i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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