sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
