i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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