i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
