long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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