I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Randomize
