why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
