Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
We had to coat check the pizza.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
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