that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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