Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
