Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
