My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
