I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
