And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
