ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
