If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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