I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
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