I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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