I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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