Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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