i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
