i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Holy sore nipples Batman
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
