I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Randomize
