there's paper in my vomit.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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