she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize