Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
