woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
