Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
