im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
