I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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