just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize