He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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