Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
