Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I want a musical about memes.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
