Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Randomize
