I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
