You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Randomize
