This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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