My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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