He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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