I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
