im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
