I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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