Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
