i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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