Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
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At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
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There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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