Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
