No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
