I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
