you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
