Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
