I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
