She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
