im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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